Apology

Every Friday and Saturday night the Recreation Department issues a new release movie that can be seen on every television throughout every unit in the prison. The Rec Department does their best to purchase the newest released PG-13 or less movies. (The compound doesn’t allow R rated movies to be shown). Because of this special treat I’ve stayed up to date on most of the new movies that have come out during the past five years.

This past weekend the movie “The Shack” was shown. This move is based on the book by Paul Young that was written in the early 2000’s. I wasn’t much of a reader before coming to prison so when my Mom handed me this book and told me to read it on my flight to Las Vegas one summer, I gave her the smile and nod and said “OK” just to make her happy. I actually had no intention of reading it because I was so excited about the trip. But God had other plans that day, as my flight was delayed for eight hours. During the eight hours I read and read and read. I couldn’t put the book down. I was hooked. It was that good. I finished the entire book just before landing. I’ve since read it about four to five times. It is faith based and has an amazing story and message. If you’ve never read the book or have never seen the movie, I highly recommend it. Both are great stories.

There are a wide variety of faith based topics in the book and movie. But the topic that intrigues me the most is forgiveness. For me, the hardest thing about being in prison is not knowing if I’ve ever been forgiven by the ones I have hurt the most by the terrible choices I made……one family in particular. It’s been over six years since the truth came out about my actions and I still don’t know today if that one particular family I hurt has ever forgiven me. I pray that they have, but if not, I pray that this blog somehow stumbles across their desk or email so that they will know how truly sorry I am.

After watching “The Shack” this past weekend, God put it on my heart to write an apology to the family I hurt over six years ago. No names need to be mentioned as they know who they are. This blog is actually specifically written for you today and I hope you get a chance to read it.

I pray your hearts are open to my heartfelt sincerity. From the bottom of my heart I am sorry. I am sorry for the pain and hurt I caused all of you and could still be causing you today. I am sorry for being such a terrible friend, role model, and a poor example as a Christian. It bothers me tremendously knowing that I have hurt you all.  I know that everything has not been all right these past six years even if you act like it is, and that because of me you hurt to the core. I can only imagine the pain I have caused you. My actions brought devastation to your family. I was wrong. I am so sorry. There are no words that will ever be able to express my true sincerity. But I am truly sorry. I wish I could take back what I did. But, unfortunately, I can’t, and I will have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life. I deserve this punishment. I know that. Do I deserve your forgiveness? Absolutely not! You all have every right to be upset and angry with me forever. I don’t even deserve God’s forgiveness, but thankfully, God has shown me grace and mercy and has forgiven me and has wiped my slate clean. I’ve learned that forgiveness is a process, a daily choice, not just a one-time decision and it’s with you every day of your life. Forgiveness doesn’t take away the wrong done to your family, but I pray you all find it in your heart to forgive me. I am truly sorry, and pray you can accept this apology. I pray for all of you and hope all is well, and that God is using you daily to bring glory to His Kingdom. Will you please forgive me?

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